Wednesday, October 10, 2012

REVISED Query for CORRUPTED ~The Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest~

So0o0o0o, after some amazingly awesome minions stopped by and critted my query, I have put it through some major reworkings. Thanks oh so much to all of you! You're fabulous, and I <3 you. So, without further ado, here it be.

~The Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest~

Dear Super Villain,

Implanted shortly after birth with a device that tracks her every word and move, Rynn 713 has learned to live a life of quiet rebellion. A Seller in the day, but a Cyber Hacker in the shadows, she is content with meaningless hacks for the best coffee and latest hairstyles, hiding behind stacks of illegal books and movies, and longing for the Book Seller next door, whom she can never have.

But when her friend and the disabled daughter she has been hiding away are brutally executed because of Rynn’s careless mistake, she can no longer blind herself to reality. And when the Seller’s District is raided and all their treasons are exposed, she and the Book Seller are faced with a choice: run, fight, or die. But how do you run when they know everything you say and everywhere you go? And how do you fight when the only weapon you have is a computer? In one move, Rynn is hurtled into an underground world where hope and passion are the only ways to survive and hacking is the only route to freedom.

CORRUPTED is a YA cyberpunk with a heavy dash of romance. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.


Brianna R. Shrum


  1. Like it, love it, AWESOME!

    Good job, but you had a lot to work with, it was almost perfect to begin with.

    Congrat's, hope you are feeling wonderful. I'm posting my next one at midnight. Day 4 in my book.

  2. Echoing Yolanda's sentiment here. I think looks great.

  3. The story sounds fantastic. The only part of your query I'm not sure about is the first sentence of your second paragraph. It has a rambling, wordy, vibe. Plus, I'm not sold on starting a paragraph with But. Just some friendly suggestions.

    Good luck!

  4. I really like your revisions! Still sounds great:)

    Feel free to comment on my query on any of the blog posts. I'm not for sure why others are having problems with seeing my query. Isn't technology a wonderful thing?????

  5. I really like this. I'm a big fan of cyberpunk like Neuromancer and Snow Crash, and I think your premise sounds really interesting. I had a few small suggestions, but these are of course only my opinion, so take them for what you will!

    1. I like the opening hook. Draws us in. But the next line is a bit vague. I think I understand what both of those titles mean, but I think you could rewrite it in a way that describes the actions she takes as a person in those roles ("she sells ___ by day, but uses her hacking skills to fight the dominant powers by night").

    2. I agree with Jess about the first sentence of the second paragraph. I had to read it a few times to figure out what was going on. I think instead you might explain what mistake she made ("But when Rynn gets careless with her acts of resistance, it's her friends and family that pay the price: death").

    3. I've been told that questions in a query are less strong than statements, and I think both the questions you pose are easily reformulated as statements. Just something to consider.

    Anyway, I really like this idea and this definitely sounds like a story I would read!

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