~Pitch Live! Post here!~
Be aware, peeps, that I will eventually be posting blog entries that are unrelated to contests! I have 3 such entries, I promise! But not this one. This one is for an awesome contest.
Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest First Page
The tracker in my
forearm began to beep at 3 a.m., yanking me from a peaceful sleep. I stared at
it for a moment, wondering whether the GPS or microphone had prompted the
warning. When the words, “…the gunpowder, treason, and plot…” came fuzzily
through the television, I concluded it was not a malfunctioning GPS and
panicked, leaping from my broken down couch to turn off the television. ‘How did
it unmute?’ I wondered, frantically searching for someone besides myself to
blame. My eyes came to rest on the loathsome remote, which I had apparently
fallen asleep on, forcing the volume to rocket out of control. I never watched
television…edit- interesting television…
with the volume on, but chose to read subtitles, because any buzzword repeated
too many times would undoubtedly trigger an inquiry and a Screener to monitor
me for days, until The State realized I wasn’t a threat. Or worse, it could
trigger a full-fledged investigation. If my house was raided, I would be dead
in a heartbeat.
My heart stopped
in my chest as, seconds later, my door was assaulted by heavy knocking. It seemed
that someone had wrenched the oxygen from the room. This was it. I was going to
die. The Enforcers would come in, find my stash of contraband, and shoot me on
the spot…if I was lucky. My heart pounded against my ribcage relentlessly. It
felt like little razors lined the inside of my throat, drawing blood with every
ragged breath. I shakily climbed the steps to the main level, covering the
opening to my hidden room with a floor tile and a rug, in case the Enforcers at
my door were less than thorough. The barrage on my front door continued, and I
stopped for a moment at the entry, took a gasp of air, and opened it.
Hi there, fellow minion passing through...
ReplyDeleteI like the sense of tension and danger, that's certainly the way to start a book off with a shot of adrenaline.
I excel at nitpicking (just ask my CPs) so take what I say below with a grain of salt.
1. I've heard a lot recently about how it's considered cliche to have a book open with an "awakening" such as an alarm going off.
2. I'm not sure how a remote can be loathsome-they seem pretty harmless to me
3. The end of the first paragraph confuses me a bit
4. My heart stopped in my chest as, seconds later, my door was assaulted by heavy knocking. (This reads a bit passively as opposed to Seconds later heavy knocking battered my door and stopped my heart, or something to that effect.) The line after this one is also a passive way of saying the MC can't breathe. Then you go on to say MC's heart is pounding, right after having said it's stopped, so there might need to be some sort of transition - Once my heart started again, it pounded relentlessly...
Anyway, overall great job and Good Luck!
I love the way you opened. I think a remote can be loathsome, especially in this situation. Otherwise great read!
ReplyDeleteSuper villain Dawna Raver here. I like the way it starts but then it tends toward being wordy and passive. So watch for “was” and try to rewrite if possible. It will help you avoid the passive and the dreaded telling issue. For example: My heart stopped in my chest as, seconds later, my door was assaulted by heavy knocking. It seemed that someone had wrenched the oxygen from the room. This was it. I was going to die.
ReplyDelete“My door was assaulted by heavy knocking” is passive and it’s telling. I’d try to reword this by adding action. What is the physical reaction of the door and the character? We know her heart stops, or feel like it does, but how does she react? Does she fear the door will splinter, fall to pieces in front of her. How does feeling like all the oxygen has been wrenched from the room make her react as well? Does she clutch her throat while she stares at a door she’s sure will crumble in front of her? Set the scene more by showing not telling. All and all a good start.
I liked this a lot, the suspense is fantastic. I agree with Rhiann about the passive sentences, but those will be easy for you to tweak. I think you've got an excelent start.
ReplyDeleteHi there. Super villain and editor here. I've been going line by line with these critiques, so look for brackets [].
ReplyDeleteThe tracker in my forearm began to [DELETE BEGAN TO] beep[ED] at 3 a.m., yanking me from a peaceful sleep. I stared at it ['IT' ACTUALLY REFERS TO PEACEFUL SLEEP] for a moment, wondering whether the GPS or microphone had [DELETE HAD] prompted the warning. When the words, “… [DELETE COMMA " ...] the gunpowder, treason, and plot…” [DELETE ..."] came [CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER VERB THAN 'CAME'?] fuzzily through the television, I concluded it was [IT WAS=VAGUE] not a malfunctioning GPS and panicked, leaping from my broken down [BROKEN-DOWN] couch to turn off the television.[RETURN]
‘[DELETE '] How did it unmute?’ [DELETE ' AND RETURN]
I wondered, [DELETE WONDERED AND COMMA] frantically [DELETE FRANTICALLY] searching [DELETE -ING FROM SEARCHING AND CHANGE TO SEARCHED FRANTICALLY] for someone besides myself to blame. My eyes [GAZE. NOT EYES. OTHERWISE HER EYES JUST LEFT HER HEAD AND ARE NOW RESTING ON THE REMOTE] came to rest on the loathsome remote, which I had apparently fallen asleep on, forcing the volume to rocket out of control. I never watched television…edit-[DELETE ...EDIT- AND INSERT EMDASH --]interesting television… [DELETE ...] with the volume on, [DELETE COMMA AND INSERT PERIOD] but [DELETE BUT INSERT I] chose to read subtitles, because any buzzword repeated too many times would undoubtedly trigger an inquiry and a Screener to monitor me for days, until The State realized I wasn’t a threat. Or worse, it [IT=WHAT?] could trigger a full-fledged investigation. If my house was raided, I would be dead in a heartbeat.
My heart stopped in my chest as, seconds later, my door was assaulted by heavy knocking. [PASSIVE AND IN THE WRONG ORDER: HEAVY KNOCKING ASSAULTED MY DOOR, AND MY HEART STOPPED. WE DON'T NEED 'IN MY CHEST' BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT'S WHERE THE HEART IS] It seemed that someone had [DELETE WRENCHED] wrenched the oxygen from the room [ACTUALLY, THIS WOULD WORK BETTER AS: WAS THERE ANY OXYGEN IN THE ROOM? I COULDN'T BREATHE. OR SOMETHING]. This was it. I was going to die. The Enforcers would come in, find my stash of contraband, and [DELETE AND INSERT THEN] shoot me on the spot…if I was lucky.[RETURN]
My heart pounded [INSERT RELENTLESSLY] against my ribcage relentlessly [DELETE RELENTLESSLY]. It [REFERS TO RIBCAGE] felt like little razors lined the inside of my throat, drawing blood with every ragged breath [WHAT DID?]. I shakily climbed the steps to the main level, covering the opening to my hidden room with a floor tile and a rug, in case the Enforcers at my door were less than thorough. The barrage on my front door continued, and I stopped for a moment at the entry, took a gasp of air, and [DELETE AND INSERT THEN] opened it.
THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING, ACTION-PACKED, AND HAS ME ASKING QUESTIONS. WORK ON YOUR PASSIVE WRITING, FORMATTING, AND DO SOME MORE SHOWING, EXPLAINING, ETC. THIS IS REALLY GOOD THOUGH.
Yeah, I think Krystal's said it all here.
DeleteSome interesting technology you have in this.
You guys are all wickedly wonderful! (I say "wickedly" because you are super villains and minions ;-) ) Looking at these suggestions, I realize suddenly that I made these mistakes for like the first half a chapter in my book....and then for whatever reason, I stopped...so that should make revising easy! Off to go do a first page overhaul (and, really, a first 7 page overhaul lol) Thanks to all of you!
ReplyDelete