Monday, October 8, 2012

Query for CORRUPTED

~The Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest~

Dear Super Villain,

Implanted shortly after birth, as all Citizens are, with a device that tracks every move she makes and listens to every word she speaks, Rynn 713 has learned to live a life of quiet rebellion. A Seller in the day, but a Cyber Hacker in the shadows, she is content with exploiting meaningless glitches in the system (hacks for the best coffee and forbidden hairstyles), hiding behind stacks of illegal books and movies, and longing for the Book Seller next door, whom she can never have.

But when her friend and the disabled daughter she has been hiding away are brutally executed because of Rynn’s careless mistake, she can no longer make herself blind to reality. And when the Seller’s District is raided and all their treasons are exposed, she and the Book Seller are faced with a choice: to run, to fight, or to die. But how do you run when they know everything you say and everywhere you go? And how do you fight when the only weapon you have is a computer? In one move, Rynn is hurtled into an underground world where hope and passion are the only ways to survive and hacking is the only route to freedom.

Thus far, most of my work has been written in the form of lecture notes on a chalkboard and speed-read by the victims, er, students in the middle school writing classes I teach. This is my first novel.

CORRUPTED is a YA cyberpunk with a heavy dash of romance. It is complete at 77,000 words. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

 Sincerely,

Brianna R. Shrum


 

38 comments:

  1. First, I love the sound of this!

    Second, I would leave off the last paragraph, "Thus far, most of my work has been written in the form of lecture notes on a chalkboard and speed-read by the victims, er, students in the middle school writing classes I teach. This is my first novel." I've been told you never tell an agent this is your first novel.

    And last, it my just be me, but parenthesis in a query seem to pull me out of the momentum I've built up while reading. That phrase may neot even be needed. The :meaningless glitches" pretty much covers the meaning!

    Nice work and sounds super awesome. Good Luck!
    Talynn
    PS. I'm your first follower!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brianna,

    Minion here, and not all that familiar with cyberpunk, but this sounds awesome. Talynn, knows her stuff, so I'll leave it to her, and wish you all the best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wo0o0o0! Mah first follower. *High five to Talynn* And thanks to both of you for the comments and critiques!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Another minon and follower. Great premise. I do agree with Talynn. The only thing I say was maybe over usage of prepositions..i.e. to

    "and the Book Seller are faced with a choice: to run, to fight, or to die."

    "and the Book Seller are faced with a choice: run, fight,or die."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Brianna, another minion hopping by. Your book sounds fun and full of excitement - always good things, esp. for YA. I'm curious as to why she can't have the Book Seller in the first paragraph, yet it seems they end up together? And by "to die" do you mean "to be killed?" I'm also a bit confused about how hope and passion are the only ways to survive (it seems like they would need more than that, so maybe this could use some clarification). Anyway, I wish you the best of luck! Cyberpunk seems like a hot category righ now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree that this is an amazing premise and the query is full of awesome points that continue to hook. My only bit of advice: "Implanted shortly after birth, as all Citizens are, with a device that tracks every move she makes and listens to every word she speaks, Rynn 713 has learned to live a life of quiet rebellion." This is a very busy sentence. I would recommend splitting it up a bit since it seems like all of the info is necessary. Other than that, great job!
    -Minion Mara

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